Gerald Lee Jordan counselling and therapy

Listening Exercise

17 Oct 2023

The Art of Listening

Most of us listen to respond. As someone is talking, we begin to gather our objections, our arguments, our defences. We aren’t REALLY listening, because we are preparing our response. This is not listening. This is defence and when couples do this, they are losing opportunities to understand each other, to grow closer and to develop the insights to survive the storms which will come in their relationship. Learning to listen - really listen - is imperative!

The Practice of Listening

So much of what we do in our lives is habit. We don’t realise how much we do on autopilot. This can be helpful when we are doing something boring upon which we don’t want to focus. It can be unhelpful and even disastrous when our habits are not ones which enrich our lives. If we aren’t in the habit of listening, it is difficult at first, but the effort is well worth it! How do we learn to listen? We practice, just like we learn to practice many other worthwhile things. Once our listening practice evolves, we will find it easier to listen and we will discover that our relationships are growing deeper and more rewarding - both for ourselves and others.

The Gift of Listening

So few people REALLY listen that when it happens, people notice (or at least sense) it. People feel cherished and understood when they are heard. They realise that they are valuable for themselves, not just for what they give you. If you want to be heard, first listen.

Signs you Aren’t Listening

So, you might be saying, “I listen!” You might be saying, “How do I know if I am listening?” If you are saying the former, you aren’t ready for this lesson. If you are saying the later, this lesson is for you.

Are you unable to remember the substance of conversations? Do you feel yourself tense up defensively when others are talking? Do you find your mind wandering to finances, plans for the weekend or such when others are talking? Do you find yourself bored when others are talking? Do you find yourself distracted by other things in the environment when others are talking? These are but a few indications that you are not listening and need to practice this beautiful and compassionate art.

Listening Exercise

An exercise that can be practiced between couples, both within a therapy session and outside of it, is to follow a set process for learning to listen better. It can go something like this:

  1. Each person is allowed one minute to talk, UNINTERRUPTED. If there is interruption, the minute starts again. One minute may not sound like much at first, but if you aren’t a good listener, it will be more than enough to start your practice. Eventually, you will build up to FIVE minutes, but start with one minute, for now.

  2. While one partner is talking, the other partner is listening to their words, watching their body movements (this, too, is part of communication) and truly trying to focus on what is being said.

  3. After this minute, the listening partner tries to communicate back what was heard. This involves ZERO commentary or evaluation (hard for some people). You are simply trying to repeat what you have heard. If you start evaluating the content, the original speaker will note this and you will start your one minute of communicating back content again, this time without commentary. For some people, this is tough, so don’t get frustrated if you don’t get it right the first time (or few times)! Your goal is to simply repeat back what you have heard.

  4. The original speaker comments on how being heard made them feel, such as, “Thank you for listening to me! That made me feel heard!” There is no script for this response, but is simply a chance for the one heard to express the emotions of being heard.

  5. Partners switch roles and repeat #1 to #4.

As this is a practice, try doing this at least once every day until listening becomes a habit.

Making Practice Part of Life

You might suggest that these exercises feel somehow artificial, but the goal of practice is to bring something into your everyday life. What at first does not feel natural, due to exercise and the force of habit, becomes a part of your everyday life. This practice can be one of the greatest things to protect your relationship, so if you are serious about developing a stronger relationship, give it a go!

When You Need More Help

If this exercise is not easy for you and your partner and you want more help - such as trying this exercise in a counselling session - you can book in with us, either online or if you are in Nelson NZ, in person.

[I added a post of notes for this exercise here.]

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