Listening Exercise Notes
18 Oct 2023Reflections on Listening Exercise
Yesterday, I wrote about a listening exercise that couples can use, both at home or in therapy, to begin to improve their relationship. I thought it might be a good idea to elaborate a bit more on this exercise, its purpose and make a few more notes.
Purposes of Listening
Some people listen to defend themselves. When you start talking, they are looking for insults and ways to prepare a protective response. Some people listen to manipulate - once you start talking, they start looking for ways to understand you just enough to get what they want. There are a number of motivating factors in interpersonal interactions and many are self-serving.
The Gift of Listening
It could be argued that no form of listening is completely selfless, because even the most noble of intentions involve the individual’s desire to maintain the relationship (which is self-serving). Be that as it may, the exercise discussed yesterday is meant to allow us to grow in our relationships and to allow us to give something very precious to each other - the gift of our presence to another. You might imagine that your greatest gifts are cars, holidays, homes and such, but the greatest gift of yourself is your attention. Few of us really get the attention of others. There are always so so many distractions, both externally and in our heads. Learning to listen and giving our attention to each other is an incredible gift.
Understanding our Motivations
As we learn to listen, we start to realise that previously we were listening to defend, to persuade, to “fix” the other person or for some other unstated reason. At some level, the other person understands this and reacts. When you get defensive, they do too. When you try to persuade, they eventually get tired of this and either want to persuade you in return, or else shut down. If you want to fix them, they will tire of this - or else allow you to “fix” them so much that you no longer respect them for themselves. These self-serving motivations bring out self-serving motivations in the other person and communication is replaced by projections of our egos.
Changing the Relationship
When you start to listen to understand the other person, things change. When they realise that you really want to know them - once the suspicion and doubt are gone - then you will find your partner opening up more freely. Your relationship can change in positive ways once you listen to each other to understand.
Listening to Grow Other Relationships
Not surprisingly, you will find that when you can truly listen to your partner, you will find yourself listening more fully to others, as well. From your children and whānaute reo Māori: extended family to friends and colleagues, your relationships will open up as you practice the art of listening.
Practicing Listening
Just as you need practice to learn most things, it will take time to grow your listening skills. Don’t be discouraged by setbacks. Sometimes, people will doubt your intentions in fully listening. Sometimes, people will try to get you back into defensive listening. See these experiences for what they are - chances to learn and grow. Keep up your practice with your partner and it will change your relationship.
Getting Help
If you are struggling with your spouse to learn to listen more fully to each other, you can book a therapy session or two with us to see how we can help. We are here to help your relationships flourish.