Gottman's Relationship Behaviours That Lead to Failure

04 Dec 2023

Understanding Relationship Behaviours Leading to Failure by John Gottman

In the realm of relationship dynamics, John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, has extensively researched and identified behaviours that often contribute to the failure of relationships. This exploration sheds light on the intricacies of human connections and offers valuable insights into maintaining healthy relationships.

Criticism and Contempt

One key factor contributing to relationship failure, as identified by Gottman, is the presence of criticism and contempt. Criticism involves attacking someone’s character, while contempt is characterised by a sense of superiority. These toxic behaviours erode the foundation of trust and mutual respect, paving the way for relationship deterioration.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is another detrimental behaviour that can lead to relationship breakdowns. When individuals adopt defensive postures, they resist taking responsibility for their actions and deflect blame onto their partners. This defensive stance creates an unhealthy cycle of blame-shifting, hindering open communication and resolution.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling, a behaviour characterised by emotional withdrawal and a refusal to engage in communication, is a red flag in relationships. Gottman highlights how stonewalling can escalate tensions, as it leaves partners feeling unheard and isolated. Over time, this behaviour can lead to emotional disconnection and the eventual demise of the relationship.

Lack of Emotional Connection

Gottman emphasises the importance of emotional connection in relationships. When partners fail to nurture this connection, the relationship may become devoid of intimacy and understanding. The absence of emotional bonds can create a sense of loneliness, pushing partners away from each other rather than bringing them closer.

Unresolved Conflict

Relationships are not immune to conflicts, but the way these conflicts are handled significantly impacts their outcome. According to Gottman, a failure to address and resolve conflicts can contribute to relationship failure. Unresolved issues fester and accumulate, creating a breeding ground for resentment and dissatisfaction.

Absence of Positive Interactions

A crucial aspect often overlooked is the absence of positive interactions. Gottman suggests that successful relationships thrive on positive exchanges and shared experiences. When couples neglect these moments, the relationship may lose its vibrancy, leading to emotional distance and potential failure.

Lack of Shared Goals

Couples who fail to establish and work towards shared goals may find their relationship at risk. According to Gottman, having common aspirations fosters a sense of unity and purpose. When partners drift apart in their individual pursuits without aligning their goals, the relationship may lose its sense of direction.

Couples Therapy for Strong Relationships

John Gottman’s research highlights several key behaviours that can contribute to the failure of relationships. From criticism and contempt to defensiveness and stonewalling, understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthy connections. By addressing these behaviours and actively working towards building emotional intimacy, resolving conflicts, and nurturing positive interactions, couples can strengthen the foundation of their relationships and mitigate the risk of failure.