Assumptions Exercise

24 Oct 2023

Making Assumptions

We all make assumptions - many of them - every day. We get part of the information we need and we fill in the gaps. We do this with all sorts of details. Have you ever seen the examples where a paragraph has large parts of words missing and you are able to read the paragraph easily? This is meant to show how our minds fill in the gaps and we don’t even really notice. This is one of the reasons we can have difficult spellchecking, looking over the same mistake repeatedly.

We also make these assumptions in our interactions with people. We get just a bit of information and guess the rest. This is normal and isn’t usually a problem, unless we repeatedly miss the intended meaning and end up in conflict. There is an interesting quote about finding people not where they are, but where we are. If we interpret a stranger as uncaring, for example, it is often the case that we have similar issues ourselves and we are projecting ourselves onto them.

Improving Relationships

If you want a good relationship with your spouse or significant other, you need to either be in tune with them enough to properly fill in the gaps, or learn to understand their motivations better, so you can minimise future misunderstandings caused by you filling in the gaps wrong. When I was in pre-marriage counselling, the person who was going to officiate our wedding said to us, “Always assume the best of each other!’ This is great advice if the other person is also assuming the best of you, but not good advice if you are assuming the best of them, but they are ascribing such negative motivations to you that they are emotionally preparing to move on from your relationship.

Assumptions Exercise

How can you get to know your partner better and move on from incorrect assumptions? Try the following exercise. It will take a wee bit of time, but if you follow it consistently, you will both reap the rewards.

1. When you find yourself in conflict or feel a misunderstanding brewing, quickly note the FACTS of what is happening. This is not your feelings (those come soon), but the details of what has happened.

2. After you have written down the facts, in a separate section write what you think was happening behind the facts - “S/he was mad at me!” “I knew she wanted something else from me!” This section is your INTERPRETATION of the facts. This is where your underlying assumptions come into play.

3. After you have written down the facts and your interpretations, in a third section write down how the facts and your assumptions made you FEEL. This part is important for a number of reasons, only one of which is to show you that the facts do NOT cause your feelings - your interpretation of the facts brings your emotional response.

Reviewing Assumptions as a Couple

When the episode is finished (or by the end of the day), sit down with your partner and share what you have written. You might be surpised to find that your partner has an entirely different understanding of the events. The more you practice this with each other, the more you will begin to see how the other person evaluates events. This is a very important tool to help you survive together.

Getting Couples Counselling Assistance

If you are both trying this exercise together and you feel you need more help, you can bring your notes and yourselves ready to work together to our couples counselling sessions. We are here to help you better understand each other and move foreward, stronger together.