[Dedicated to the wankers who give relationship advice.]
I used to change partners,
Or else change accommodation,
Every five years or so,
Until I realised it was just as good to change toilet seats.
I bought and installed a new one today –
Very excited about our impending intimacy.
The last one was a bitch –
She teased me with potentiality,
Which was never realised.
Her brass fittings were impractical,
One good coating of piss and they began to corrode.
Her wood veneer was cold to the touch,
She was heavy,
Which doesn’t help when dropped in the night.
She teased me in the shop,
Promising things she could never deliver.
I put her on the rubbish heap today,
With a chuckle.
So many shapes and materials from which to choose,
So many possibilities,
Limited to but one partner,
Until society accepts the idea,
Of polygamous toilet seat love.
I still shudder at that trip to Mexico,
Where late at night,
Checking into a room in Acapulco,
There was no seat,
But only a rim on which to sit.
The suffering of these people became clear,
As I straddled the bowl.
I will wake in the night,
Seeing it anew,
Sharing those first moments –
How will we fit?
Will it be as good as imagined?
Thinking of a new partner?
They are all the same after a few weeks.
Try a new toilet seat instead,
It will be the change you longed for –
Gerald Lee Jordan
Diamond Harbour NZ
27 February 2013